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water and light


June 1st, 2015

(no subject)

I'm going to keep the blog open and use this spot to resume writing up Doctor Who, from the beginning (1963: Hartnell, bitches!), episode by episode for each story possible.  Probably I should give a brief introduction of the series for those unfamilar but I'm not up for it.  I've ordered the DVD set "The Begninning" with the first three serials, expected to arrive any time between now and the end of the month.  Won't be going through them in a hurry though, there are so many stories I don't own.

May 11th, 2015

(no subject)

water and light
I'm so close on FB and even farther away than ever.  Scott canceled the weekend  without calling to say so - just didn't show up or call.  Funny enough, I got a friend reques from the cousin of the other Jeff Larsen, the one I never met but Dana liked.  I was mistaken for the other guy.  And with all the years of self-doubt and being left in the dark, right now I don't believe I was right aabout the Great and Terrible Secret.  Dana was telling the truth, I mistook her doppleganger for her.  Dana thinks she faces humiliation if it gets out?  She doesn't.  She could tell everyone what I thought and it's me who would be humiliated.  I've been wrong about everything.  It was all self delusion.  She neverread a single page here.  The dreams were just dreams.  And in spite of Jesseca telling me not to anticipate (she was harsher than that)what Dana thinks  I do expect hostility from Dana.  Or worse, indifference.  She'll be as cold as she was before, I remember that so well and nothihng has changed for her at all.

Somone sent me a link to Dana's FB page.  I don't have any use for that.  Until she knows that I never judged her the way she thought I wa doing, she has no reason to wnat to hear anything I hav to say.  It ain't gonna happen the other way around.  If I can;t get the message through, it will not occur to her to consider it   I'm not sending her a  friend request.  She wants our friendship brought to a close (she considers that already done long ao).  I want to close i on a better note.  I don;t want to close it at all, but... jesus fucking christ.

I've  wiped this blog clear of posts and am probably going to delete it altogether soon. It has a thrirty day self-destruct, and I haven't said go yet.   Jesseca wants me to...to do what, I'm not exactly sure, she would never say it was to abandon my hopes but that's what it amounts to. To accept failure.  I think maybe I'm trying, because I just feel numb and grief.  My light hasn't gone out but it's a cold light.  I want nothin more to do with Fb as much as I can help it.
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